Years and years ago after my grandmother passed away, I came back from working in Europe and I went on a leisure trip to New York with a half dozen girlfriends. We went to a Broadway show and Yankee Stadium. It was a fun trip and a timely distraction. At one point I was alone with my friend, Evelyn. I was moping and just generally depressed so I began venting to her. It turned out to be a defining moment. I said to her, “I just want to be weak. I want to be weak. I am tired of being the strong one and carrying everyone’s burden.” She said, “Do you want to be weak or do you want to be nurtured?” I instantly knew the answer to that question. I wanted to be nurtured.
I wanted someone to hold me, ask me what I need, let me talk and cry, and get me a cup of tea. If we let our guard down and ask for help it sometimes feels like we can’t handle things. The truth is, sometimes we need to let down our barriers, be vulnerable, and ask for what we need. Its ironic that we have expectations for our partner, relatives, and friends yet we don't communicate what we need. Then we get our feelings hurt when our needs are not met. Aren't we just setting ourselves up by doing that? Here are 3 things to think about.
1. Avoid Negative Remarks. Communicating in judgemental, demanding, or accusing ways when asking for what you need gets you zip. Phrases like, "I wish you would be more helpful," "Why can't you just try to be nice to me," or, "You never care how I feel," just invite arguement. Instead say, "It makes me feel important when you are interested in how I feel." Or, "Thank you for doing that for me. I really needed that." Verbally focus on the positive behavior and action when you receive it.
2. Demonstrate Nurturing Behavior with Others. This is not to say that you do for others so they will do for you. It just means look for opportunities to serve others and brighten the lives of others. If you focus on your own behavior, what you can control, you'll become the kind of person people will want to do things for.
3. Nurture Yourself. At 45. I have come to a realization that I can do things for myself without one iota of guilt! I will buy myself what I want to for my birthday. I have a list of favorite things that relax me or that I use to reward myself. I buy myself flowers. I treat myself to a new book. Self preservation helps you serve all the folks you're responsible for because you start by taking care of you!
" Love yourself, appreciate yourself, see the good in you, see the God in you, and respect yourself." Betty Shabazz
Ask for what you need. I don't know why people would rather whine than communicate. Practice, "Be Good to Yourself Therapy!" The key is to nurturing yourself verbally first. Start there. Don't let your inner critic beat you down. You deserve to be nurtured and you're a pretty cool person, by the way!
